I can't stop thinking about how happy I am. I feel so blessed, sometimes it scares me. Worrying is part of my nature.  Things are so good I keep wondering what I've done to deserve this and fear constantly that G-d-forbid it will not last.  Simply put: I never dreamed being married could possibly be this fulfilling, beautiful, and fascinating.  I fall in love anew each day and am so, so grateful to my Creator.  It's a very humbling experience.

Simultaneously I follow the events in Gush Katif and the plans for my brothers there.  What a contrast, I guiltily think. 

People have been verbally attacking me for expressing this devastation; even family members have made it clear I have no right to pour out my gut if I want to remain on speaking terms with them.  I never knew my compassion could cause such attacks.

I start looking back at my wedding photos, just 3 months ago.  I was terrified, overwhelmed, in complete awe and incredibly innocent.  The man I circled 7 times was someone whom I believed in with every fibre of my being, but still had no idea how wonderful we could really be as a unit.  And therein lies today's contrast, paralleling how I feel right now.

There I was at my wedding 3 months ago – an occasion filled with immense joy – struggling on a personal level, but more importantly, as a community and a Jewish unit.  The sadness is encapsulated in the ceremony as the glass is broken and we reminisce our broken holy city.  It was so joyful, yet so tragic.  These simultaneous events give life its balance.

Likewise on a personal level.  I have such an immense sense of pure, unadulterated joy, yet it cannot remain uncontaminated because I do not live just as an individual; we are not closeted from the world, nor our brothers around us.  We made aliya (went up) to Eretz Yisrael – the land of Israel – and are surrounded by family and friends who will soon lose their homes, barring a miracle.  I for one didn't come to remain silent.  Yet my intense feelings of devastation for this tragedy are being so rejected by others that they wish to ostracize me.  So like the wedding, the sense of loss in the community as a whole, manages to penetrate me individually, even though I don't live there, just because I cannot help but feel the pain of Gush Katif's righteous residents.

And so it is that I remain extremely happy and intrinsically sad and the two cannot be separated.  I am delighted with my personal life, more fulfilling than I ever could have imagined, but devastated at that which is happening to my brethren, just a few miles from my own home, which for now is "safe."  This devastation seeps into the thoughts of my other brothers who hate me for my feelings of compassion for the rest of clal yisrael and I just don't know what's more painful.

All I know is that at this terrible time for am yisrael I am eternally grateful to G-d for somewhat softening the blow for me personally by bringing two of His angels on earth (Daniel and Gal!) to be by my side throughout this ordeal.

May the people of Gush Katif – together with all of am yisrael – be safe and cared for by their Creator.

Amen.

Emma