The year was 1982.  I was all of 11 years old; a scrawny one at that with big hair. Charlotte Davis (with even bigger hair) on hearing the screeching of the underground train approach Camden Town Station, had made a mad dash for it, screaming as she did, “C’mon Emma,” in somewhat of a similar melody to the popular Dexy’s Midnight Runners’ “C’mon Eileen” topping the Hit Parade that week.  By the time I had scurried my way down, Davis was on the train, holding the doors open, counteracting the driver’s attempts to close all 13 carriage doors simultaneously.  “C’mon Emma,” she repeated, this time in a tuneless grunt, the pressure on her arms against the doors clearly hurting, “get on the train,” she added, as if I needed the words to know what I was meant to be doing. 

It is today that I distinctly recall that scene of 23 years ago. I did – after a few moments (but what probably seemed to Davis like an eternity) – squeeze into that carriage, heart racing alongside me.  What, however, did I feel my risks were exactly?  Weren’t Davis’ far greater?  And why was I so scared to do something so clearly safe? 

I have realized, that like today, over two decades ago, it was a combination of variables, including: personality trait, caution, nature and nurture.  But it’s interesting how in later years I’m still the one hesitating to get on the proverbial train, while my partner is the Davis of those days, bending their arms to ensure my safety while doing so.

We were meant to sign on a house last week – Daniel and I (Charlotte Davis of 1HW fame has long been out the picture. From what I hear she married young, had three kids [probably more by now] and am sure purchased a house with relative ease). 

I cut myself some slack as I’m different to the Davis’ of the world.  I only tied the knot at 34 years old and any decision I make still causes me to react cautiously; a large decision sends my body into palpitations.

So when we were meant to be signing on a large house as a long-term investment, in a picturesque neighborhood and potentially fulfilling a dream, I panicked…big time.  To be fair, ultimately we were right to pull back – although we may ultimately still buy it – since we hadn’t quite finalized all the negotiations. So there is room for some of my caution.  But living life with caution exclusively is no way to make decisions, move forward, develop and create potentially more wonderful things in one’s life.

So I have Daniel who’s metaphorically I guess replaced Davis in some – albeit far greater – ways. It’s not his arms that will physically be stretched to try to convince me that it’s okay to get on the train – but his heart that will be emotionally stretched as he tries to open it up wide enough to get me to trust and jump on the train with ease.

Emma