Re-centering

As most of my readers know by now I've been "freaking out" quite a bit recently. Ranging from the dress material for the bridesmaids to whether or not I can live with Daniel's wine-glasses ingratiating our salon when we're married, the topics are as stupid as they are irrelevant. Somehow I've just moved off center, giving into that yetzer hara of "what ifs" that I've simply surrendered to.

Fortunately I know myself pretty well. Not the easiest of characters, but a pretty good egg, devoted to family values with an intrinsically deep desire to do the right thing, coupled with a horrid fear of failure at just that.

An example: Probably the best living experience to date was the last 3 1/2 years in my apartment, but I was incredibly nervous before making the move to live alone and then felt very anxious most evenings for the first six months. This experience has taught me that while the human fears change on some level, Emma goes into deep spasms. Yet I understand logically that this isn't a "sign" telling to me to run away. This point of arrival has taken much work and maturity, and still I struggle, but when Yaacov Avinu asked Hashem to give him a break, he was told to wait for the next world. And I guess I'll have to do the same, but in the meantime take a piece of Daniel's advice and enjoy the ride…

I have certain tools, Baruch Hashem that have been helping: I speak to anyone who'll listen (I find those that don't understand English to be the most helpful!); I try and engage in much physical activity and as best I can, I stick to a routine of early nights and early wake-ups. I've developed lots of ideas to attack this "anxiety monster" over the years but indeed marriage is a big step. What I'm beginning to realize however, is that it's more a test of emunah (in my opinion what separates the men from the boys) – primarily in Hashem, secondarily in self and thirdly in your chosen partner.

But none of this is really the point: (yes it seems I'm "talking without periods again!") The point is this, quite simply: I actually don't remember what life was like before Daniel. I mean, it's not like I've got amnesia or something G-d forbid (although in the future Daniel may beg for a bit of that for himself), but the sad, lonely, painful, lack of Daniel-filled-joy times are no longer integral to me. I have no idea how living life without a guy with an unparalleled zest for life actually is. What's it like to go to bed at night without the thought that this happy, fun individual is in 77 days' time gonna be by my side? How does it feel to wake up in the morning and not know if that guy who found a little lost puppy on the street a few weeks ago and has now lovingly adopted it will be part of your life…forever? And what would a Shabbat be like without watching Daniel eat every item of food you would never dream of even trying?

I don't know. I really don't know actually.

So I did something just now. I re-read some of the pieces I'd written about life with Daniel. And instead of panicking and thinking "what if, what if, what if…that blue sh*t from the toilet in an airplane falls on my head" (something Daniel has suggested I'll worry about in the future), I'm going with "what if we have the most wonderful life together; we share our thoughts and feelings with each other and it's okay if we don't understand them completely because just being an active listener is a wonderful gift? What if we have disagreements but can laugh about them and actually grow in our relationship? What if when we're faced with challenges, with Daniel's fearless attitude and my fearful one we come to the best conclusion, because together we're stronger than when we're apart?"

The truth is, as two committed individuals we have been blessed with the G-d-given opportunity of creating something so kadosh(holy), beautiful, safe and devoted that that feeling we had before we met is just totally intangible from here on out….

And so I ask, what if, life isn't so scary after all? With thanks to Daniel for your patience, kindness and devotion: to me, Gal, our families and our new life together filled with Torah-values…

Emma