Baruch Hashem yesterday Daniel and Emma Sass celebrated their one month wedding anniversary.  It was a joyous occasion.  Emma bought Daniel chocolate desserts and carrots for their new juicer and Daniel put up shelves in "Emma's" room for her teddy bears.  Emma booked the restaurant; Daniel drove and picked up the tab (but it's our money now!).

What did we mark exactly?  What was the celebration and gifts for?  Being married.  Being married and not single; actually being married and not engaged.  I always wondered what engaged couples were constantly complaining about; "for heavens sake," I thought, "you’ve found your basherte; you don't have to go on those hideous dates anymore; what's the big deal?  You have no pressures of being single [finding someone] or being married [whatever those pressures are] so just enjoy."  So first, I'd like to issue a public apology to all those people whom I was unsympathetic.  Second, to all those who are engaged, listen carefully.

For me, being engaged was very difficult.  Thank G-d Daniel was fine, because like I told so many others, had he have behaved anything like me, we never would have made it.  I came up with various ideas of why it was so difficult: we didn't see each other so much because Daniel was working so hard; we were shomer negiya; I'm generally an anxious person, blah, blah.  But that wasn't it.  Being "engaged" is actually a fluffy terminology and means nothing.  Despite the fact that yes, you are committed to each other and planning a hideously big party to prance around in a tight uncomfortable meringue dress and get 23 matza trays (we loved them all, really), subconsciously there's a door….which you can walk out of and you know it.  In as much as you don't want to know it, you can't help it; you just do, so its there constantly, no matter how sure you are, suddenly there's a million doubts which are egging you on to just slide the door open a little bit further….

I realize now of course how it was G-d's brilliant test for me.  Daniel and I had such a chivalrous, fun, enjoyable 2 1/2 months of dating.  But it was 2 1/2 months and we just felt so lovely about each other and loving towards each other.  But, during 5 months of "engagement" I started wondering (in negative ways) exactly who this person may or not be and specifically how he would plan to chop me up into little pieces and destroy the evidence.

Truth is, getting married is one of the biggest tests of a person's emunah.  Would your G-d really put you through that; the self-same G-d you pray to; Whose laws you follow; and are really "committed" to?  Trust Him…just trust Him.  The engagement period, separates the men from the boys vis-à-vis commitment to Yiddishkeit because it asks you, nay commands you, to trust Your creator and His miraculous ways, and sometimes even more challenging, to believe in yourself.

Since the moment we left the wedding, until and including this very moment over a month later, I've had (and this is coming from Miss Anxious 2005) not one spot of anxiety.  We've had arguments, yes, but it's with such a different flavour, because each night we lay next to each other asleep, in a state of total vulnerability, we are completely confident in the knowledge that we're together forever, for better or worse, richer or poorer.  Because we're married.  Because just over a month ago we stood under the chupa in front of family, friends, G-d and the souls of our deceased relatives and sanctified our union.  And it's precisely that which means more than an engagement ring, a proposal, or any of the other symbols used before marriage to attempt to express commitment.

As Daniel locks our front door at night before coming to bed, and slips in beside me with his symbol of commitment in a gold band around his finger, I know the difference between being engaged and being married.  In every sense of the word, the door is locked and it's just the two of us, please G-d forever. 

Amen.

Emma